This is one of the first things I wrote. I wanted to spice-up the description of what tools worked best. It needed more work. Here is the first cut at it. After the book went to press, I rewrote this section and sold it to MAKE magazine for an article. I was pretty psyched because I subscribe to MAKE.
style='font-size:14.0pt'>Tools for Terror
Here is some great advice on how
to commit a gruesome carve a pumpkin using power
murder and dispose of the body easily
tools. I prefer tools that
can make pumpkin carving go quickly because
cut through flesh and bone quickly
I am lazy.
My favorite Pumpkin Slashing Tool:style="mso-spacerun: yes"> The Jigsaw.
A regular kitchen knife is a piss-poor choice if you need to
kill someone quickly carve a pumpkin. The stabbing process is so slow
and the holes that you create are so uninteresting. Beginners will only be able to make square holes using just
a knife. Creative types could make
triangles, but circles are pretty much impossible. Certainly if we want to
write a message on the flesh of our
victim pumpkin we need a different
Why doesn’t everyone just use a jigsaw to
murder innocent carve pumpkins. Jigsaws
make nice smooth curves and quick cuts.
You can start a jigsaw anywhere.
Just plunge the blade into the flesh and pull the trigger. The blade
goes in and out of the flesh so easily it is as if you were cutting a lump of
jell-o. Even the smallest jigsaw
has plenty of power to slice and dice.
I do suggest getting the longest blade you can to make your work easier.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> It is amazing that more
mass pumpkin carvers don’t use power tools.
For Heavy Work:
The Reciprocating Saw (Sawzall).
If you were a
mass-murderer pumpkin carver in a place
like Samoa or Wisconsin where
people the pumpkins are larger, you might
want to choose a reciprocating saw as your weapon of choice.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Unlike jigsaws, which have short
blades, reciprocating saws can often handle blades 10 or more inches long.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> A long blade can easily
cut through take the stem-cap off the orneriest
the entire abdomen of a grown man
If you happen to
kill a very large person buy or grow
one of those humungous pumpkins, a sawzall is the only tool to use to carve
it. A sawzall will allow you to
two Christmas hams from their thighs intricate designs on even the
largest vegetable. By using a reciprocating saw you can save time too.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> It will only take you 5 to ten minutes
dismember an entire human body and put it in the dumpster behind the carve a huge pumpkin.
Sawzalls kick butt.
In order to be a mass-murderer, you don’t need a great
vocabulary but lets review some important terms. If you were a mass-murderer and your specialty was removing
all of the skin from your victims’ bodies you would be flaying them.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> That is your new word for today, to flaystyle='font-weight:normal'>.
If you wanted to flay a
people pumpkins for a
lighting effect when you place a high powered light inside them, I suggest you
use a router. A router will let
you set the depth of material you remove from the outside of the pumpkin.style="mso-spacerun: yes">
By removing just the skin from the outside you can let some
of the light from within diffuse outward.
This creates a cool, creepy glow.
Clean Up The Crime Scene: A Power-Washer
Pumpkin guts are similar to human guts in that they attract
flies and get sticky over the course of a day or so. I like to cleanse the grime scene with a power washer. I use
only the strongest trash bags as well.
I don’t like to drop any
body parts pumpkin guts on my way to the
For Detail Work:
A Boning or Filet Knife
Let’s face it, when you want to dig out an eyeball, you need
something more delicate that a jigsaw.
I mean, a jigsaw can cut out the eye socket well, but when you have to
remove the actual chunk of eyeball, sometimes it doesn’t just pop out.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> That is when I grab a boning
knife. It is long and thin enough
to slide into any cut and pop out the chunks of flesh.style="mso-spacerun: yes">
For Goop Removal:
A Big Spoon
Pumpkins are full of goop. Removing that goop goes faster if you have a bigger
spoon. I like one made of metal to
brains guts from the inside of the skull pumpkin.style="mso-spacerun: yes"> It is about the same size spoon that
the lunch-lady in the high school cafeteria uses.
Tools that don’t work so well:
As an experienced
killer pumpkin carver, I have tried
a number of tools. Some don’t work
very well. You can save yourself
some trouble by not using these.
A dremel tool or roto-zip: The fibrous nature of
muscle pumpkins make it difficult to hold rotary tools in a straight
line. You can hack-up a
pumpkin, but it is difficult to leave them looking artistic.style="mso-spacerun: yes">
Torches, plasma-cutters, any flame cutters:style='font-weight:normal'> Since
human body pumpkin is made mostly of water, it can’t be disposed of burned easily.
in the woods
Don’t worry though, the fact that they don’t burn allows you to light
giant fires inside their head without burning down your porch.